TIGER, IMITATING KRUPKE
Hey you!

RIFF
Who me, Officer Krupke?

TIGER, IMITATING KRUPKE
Yeah you, gimme one good reason for not draggin' ya down the station house, ya punk!

RIFF
Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke
You gotta understand
It's just our bringin' upke
That gets us out of hand
Our mothers all are junkies
Our fathers all are drunks
Golly Moses, naturally we're punks

JETS
Gee, Officer Krupke
We're very upset
We never had the love
That every child oughta get
We ain't no delinquents
We're misunderstood
Deep down inside us there is good

RIFF
There is good!

JETS
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Like inside, the worst of us is good

TIGER, IMITATING KRUPKE
That's a touching good story

RIFF
Lemme tell it to the world!

TIGER, IMITATING KRUPKE
Just tell it to the judge

RIFF
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor
My parents treat me rough
With all their marijuana
They won't give me a puff
They didn't wanna have me
But somehow I was had
Leapin' lizards, that's why I'm so bad

SNOWBOY IMITATING JUDGE
Right! Officer Krupke
You're really a square
This boy don't need a judge
He needs an analyst's care
It's just his neurosis
That oughta be curbed
He's psychologically disturbed

RIFF
I'm disturbed

JETS
We're disturbed, we're disturbed
We're the most disturbed
Like we're psychologically disturbed

SNOWBOY IMITATING JUDGE
Hear ye, hear ye. In the opinion of this court, this child is depraved on account he ain't had a normal home.

RIFF
Hey, I'm depraved on account I'm deprived!

SNOWBOY IMITATING JUDGE
So take him to a headshrinker. You!

ACTION
Who me?

RIFF
My daddy beats my mommy
My mommy clobbers me
My grandpa is a commie
My grandma pushes tea
My sisters wears a moustache
My brother wears a dress
Goodness gracious, that's why I'm a mess

ACTION IMITATING HEADSHRINKER
Yes, Officer Krupke
He shouldn't be here
This boy don't need a couch
He needs a usefully career
Society's played him a terrible trick
And sociologically he's sick

RIFF
I am sick!

JETS
We are sick, we are sick
We are sick sick sick
Like we're sociologically sick

ACTION IMITATING HEADSHRINKER
In my opinion, this child does not need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease.

RIFF
Hey, I got a social disease!

ACTION IMITATING HEADSHRINKER
So take him to a social worker

RIFF
Dear kindly social worker
They tell me get a job
Like be a soda jerker
Which means I'd be a slob
It's not I'm antisocial
I'm only anti-work
Glory Osky, that's why I'm a jerk

A-RAB
Eek, Officer Krupke
You've done it again
This boy don't need a job
He needs a year in the pen
It ain't just a question of misunderstood
Deep down inside he's no good

RIFF
I'm no good

JETS
We're no good, we're no good
We're no earthly good
Like the best of us is no damn good

The trouble is he's lazy
The trouble is he drinks
The trouble is he's crazy
The trouble is he stinks
The trouble is he's growing
The trouble is he's grown
Krupke, we've got troubles of our own

Officer Krupke
We're down on our knees

RIFF
'Cause no one wants a fella
With a social disease

JETS
Dear Officer Krupke
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Krupke
Krup you!