If I was your tv I'd be like "Look at me"
If I was a shooting star I'd be like "Peace!"
If I was a fat bitches thong I'd be like "Hell naw!'
If I was a hotties thong I'd be like "Awwww..."
If I was a cuss word I'd just be like "fuck"
If I was a rock on the moon I'd be chillin' like "Sup?"
If I was a butthole I'd just be an exit
If I was the D.O.C. I'd be like "man this is bullshit"
If I was the tires on your car I'd be like "NEEEAAAWWW"
If I was the bumper on your car I'd be like "Aww fuck"
If I was a balloon I'd be like "pap"
If I was Allysa Milano I'd be fucking Joe Bruce
If I was a radio DJ I'd probably say "the point 103"
If I was a richy ass bitch I'd be like "umm...ok"
If I was Spin magazine I'd put me on the cover and be like "fuck us! And
I won't read this, even us motherfucker!"
If I was your mental stress I'd be catching up
If I was your headaches every now and then I'd be like "THONNNKK!!"
If I was your tongue I'd be hating your teeth I'd be like "Man why do
you try to bite me every time we try to eat?"
If I was a chair I'd be like "Sit here"
If I was Kid Rock I'd cut my feathered wolf hair
If I was your muffler I'd be like "Shhh, quietly"
If I was a price tag I'd be like "You ain't buying me"
If I was a fresh ass DJ I'd be like [records scratch]
If I was Jam Master J I'd be like [records scratch]
If I was a cheap clock radio I'd be like [static]
"Tune that motherfucker in"
If I was Barry White I'd be like "What up y'all?"
If I was nipple in the cold I'd be like "Boing"
If I was your dead uncle I'd be like "....."
If I was a raindrop I'd just be like "drip"
And If I had an ax to your neck I might say "CHOP!"

[Chorus]
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but I'll never be
If I was, if I was, but you're killing me
If I was, if I was. but you're killing me

If I was a Faygo at one of our shows, I'd fly through the air into and
ocean of juggalos
If I was Andre The Giant "This is how I'd be talking"
If I was Father MC I'd be like "Now what happened?"
If I was a mirror, I'd find another mirror
and look each other dead in the eye, crystal clear
If I was a slider I'd slide out your butt
I'd be floatin' in your toilet lookin' at you like "What?"
If I was a pilot I'd be like "This is air traffic control"
If I was John Denver I'd be like "Nooooooo!!!!"
If I was a switch I'd be like "Flick me, yoo-hoo"
If I was a London cop car I'd be like "Wee-oop wee-oop"
If I was Chewbacca I'd get a fresh ass fade
If I was Vanilla Ice I'd be like "Fuck y'all. I'm still paid"
If I was a stop sign I'd just be like "Stop"
If I was your wooden leg I'd still be giving you the hip-hop
[Chorus}