Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

Oh help me, please mama, I'm sick'ning
It's today that's the day of the plunge
Oh the gal I'm to marry
Is a bow-legged sow
I've been soakin' up drink like a sponge

"Don't ya worry, get dressed," cried my mother
As she plied me with bourbon so sour
Pull your socks up, put your suit on
Comb your long hair down,
For you will be wed in the hour

So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
I'm sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please take it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

Oh help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
There's a pain where there once was a heart
It's sleepin, it's a beatin'
Can't ya please tear it out, and preserve it
Right there in that jar?

I was tremblin', as I put on my jacket
It had creases as sharp as a knife
I put the ring in my pocket
But there was a note
And my heart it jumped into my mouth

It read, "Darlin', I'm sorry to hurt you.
But I have no courage to speak to your face.
But I'm down in Virginia with your cousin Lou
There be no wedding today."

So help me, please doctor, I'm damaged
You can put back my heart in its hole
Oh mama, I'm cryin'
Tears of relief
And my pulse is now under control